like i'm made of glass, like i'm made of paper
by titania eli
Summary: After two decades of playing puppet to the Etherious Keith, Silver Fullbuster was once again human. All because of one selfless girl's dogged tenacity and an equally determined son that refused to let him go. Now alive again – and lost, Silver has to learn how to find himself and understand how to be human once more.
1. Chapter 1

For years, he had not been able to breathe.

Oh, his heart still beat and his chest still rose and falls under each quiet inhale, exhale.

But it had felt wrong. His blood felt like dust in his veins and his skin felt like gravel – coarse and harsh and he wanted to claw the flesh off his bones. Even his throat was as rough as sandpaper and the saliva in his mouth tasted of oil. For almost twenty years, he wasn't human. Nor demon.

He was dead deaddead_dead _just a walking, talking pile of bones and flesh and hair meshed together. His corpse was perverted and twisted under the control of a demon, and he felt violated, and disgusted and _dirty. _He had begged to die every day of this forced life. For years, he thought his only son dead.

– Until he found out that Gray was alive.

The boy was flourishing in Fairy Tail, and was one of the strongest mages in his guild. Silver was relieved and so, so damn proud.

He chose to leave the boy alone, watched over Gray from a distance. His son does not deserve a father like him. The man Gray had known and once loved was dead. No need to lay his burden on the boy, no need to let him see the monster his father had become.

And then Fairy Tail vanished, taking his little boy along with it.

Missing, _gone._

Rumours surfaced and spread rampage like wildfire, of the Black Dragon, Grimoire Heart, _Zeref._

And Silver felt his vengeance burned deeper, fiercer, _hotter_, so much that the fire felt like it was going to incinerate his body inside out. For an Ice Mage like him, he was unused to the sudden heat that blazed through his undead body.

His murderous rampage nearly went out of control, and his killings became indiscriminate. Demon, demon, demon – he doesn't care good or bad, weak or strong – he wiped them all out with his power.

He suspected that Keith knew, or even Mard Geer, but why they never tried to stop him was a mystery. Mard Geer at least, Silver mused, probably just cannot be bothered and saw it as a game.

And now Keith was dead. Tartarus's plan had failed and they had retreated to lick their wounds.

– He was human once more. Human and mage and _alive._

He had passed his Devil Slayer powers to Gray just as he came to accept his death in his son's arms. There was no better place to die, really.

He definitely hadn't factored in the interference of that Water Mage, or his son's absolute refusal to let him go, holding onto him so tightly that one of his ribs actually cracked. He felt Keith's curse dug its slimy claws into his flesh, even as it was wrested away. Greedy and possessive and desperate, the tendrils slid right through the cracks and curled around his heart, enticing him to let go. Years of grief and anger and he was broken and damaged and he was _nothing _– and all Silver wanted to do was see his wife again, wanted to finally rest.

He had not expect his son to stretch out with his newly given powers, slipped around his body with a heady warmth that nearly brought Silver to tears and yanked the poison from his soul. He had felt Gray's desperation and stubbornness as he brutally seized onto the curse and grappled violently. The pain drowned out his screams and all he could see was red and whitewhite_white _and he was free –

And he was breathing and his heart was beating and he felt lighter than he had felt for years.

And then the darkness dragged him away.


	2. Chapter 2

He woke up and he wasn't dead.

His brain felt like mush inside his skull and he could taste stale blood and cotton on his tongue. He blinked rapidly against the spotlight shining into his face, tentatively testing out his ability to move by twitching a finger one by one. Well, all ten fingers seemed to be intact, as far as he could tell. Slowly, and painfully, he sat up with great difficulty.

_Why does his body felt like it had gone through a meat grinder? _

He pressed the back of his knuckles against his temple, the worst headache of his entire life pounding away at the back of his head. It spoke volumes of how bad his condition was when he did not immediately notice the extra presence in the room. Startled, he looked over and –

Gray, slumbering on the chair, head tilted back and mouth slightly parted as he snoozed away. A smile tugged at the corner of Silver's lips and his heart ached at the sight.

"Gray," he murmured.

The younger man woke up suddenly, as if he had heard his name. Wide, dark eyes blinked drowsily at him. Silver watched the realization slowly entered the dark eyes, and then a mixture of surprise and joy lit up and spread across the rest of Gray's visage.

"Gray," he repeated softly.

This time, Gray reacted. He stood up so suddenly that he knocked the chair backwards and the loud thump broke the spell that had fallen over Silver.

Immediately, Gray was in his arms, his newly acquired Devil Slayer powers thrumming gently in the air. He was stunned by the boy's fierce joy and relief and could only stay as still as possible as the multitude of emotions crashed down over him. Gray didn't seemed to care that he was not reacting, just dragged him closer, whispering 'you're alive, you're here' over and over again under his breath.

Gray was warm and alive and_ human_ against his body, and maybe he was the same too – warm and alive but he definitely doesn't feel human.

Not yet, anyway.

He spent two decades masquerading as a living man, his body held together by the darkest of curses as he moved and breathed death and ice. He spent the last two decades knowing that his own death was imminent.

He doesn't expect to actually live.

Slowly, he raised his hands, brushing them cautiously over Gray's back. The latter's breathing stuttered at the touch. He tightened his fingers into the back of Gray's shirt and sighed, closing his eyes.

"I'm home." He whispered.


	3. Chapter 3

It felt strange being alive. He had actually forgotten that feeling after so many years. He had spent years fighting off the decay that attempted to invade his body with nothing but sheer willpower and an almost desperate determination to see his revenge through.

He studied his hands, flexing the joints absently. Outwardly, there wasn't any change or damages. But inwardly, he felt like his soul was ripped into two and then haphazardly glued back together. Even after two weeks of rest, he was still too exhausted to get out of bed.

Gray fretted by his side every day, not even trying to hide his anxiety and fear that his body might suddenly break down. Silver wasn't terribly concerned. He knew that split from Keith's control was still affecting him. Gray had literally torn the demon from him after all. It wasn't a permanent effect.

Gray's teammates had dropped by often. From a wide-eyed Lucy, curious and shy Wendy, wary Erza to an earnest Natsu that had instantly demanded for a rematch just five minutes after their second meeting. His first encounter with Silver was forgotten pretty quickly. Aside from the Fire Dragon Slayer being threatened to be banned from visiting Silver, the rest of them warmed up to him rather fast.

Bewildered and slightly amused, Silver was glad and reassured that Gray had found himself a good family.

They were all too forgiving for their own good.

As much as Fairy Tail was eager to welcome Gray's father, he knew that he couldn't possibly stay. He still has trouble remembering that he was human now – human Silver Fullbuster and not Silver the Devil Slayer. How then, could he possibly be Gray's father?

And then there was the matter of Devil Slayer Silver being an international criminal. In his quest for revenge and to keep up the pretence of being on Tartarus's side, he had left destroyed towns and a string of murders in his wake.

He also doubted that Tartarus would leave him alone now. He was now a traitor after all – even though he was hardly on their side in the first place.

The Magic Council was not on his list of concerns for the time being. Half of the councilmen were dead and the Rune Knights were disordered without anyone heading them.

With his Devil Slayer powers gone, he was at a severe disadvantage. At the same time, there was no way he was allowing any of those demons near Gray. He might not be completely powerless, but he was seriously handicapped if any of the remaining _kyukimon _decided to come after him.

Even after imparting his Devil Slayer powers to his son, there were still remnants of it that clung to him stubbornly, the tendrils of ice magic entrenched so deeply in his soul that it refused to leave him.

Apparently, he was surrounded by wilful idiots that don't know when to let go, honestly.


	4. Chapter 4

Anger was a peculiar thing, really. Especially the frustrated sort of anger, the knowledge that you cannot do anything to _change _something. It felt like a burning in his chest, slowly rising to form a lump in his throat. The urge to spit fire and razed the whole damn place down with your anger, but knowing that the only thing you were pissed with was your own helplessness.

Gray rarely felt this useless, not knowing how to _help_. In his entire life, he had only felt this way when it came to the people he loved.

When Deliora murdered his parents and destroyed his village, when he lost Ur because he wasn't strong enough – _because of his own damn stupidity_, and seeing how Lyon had turned out years later – filled with vengeance and darkness and colder than ice.

He has his father back, but he still couldn't help but feared that this was mere false hope, that Silver's body would fail and break down without the necromancer's curse holding him up.

Days passed, and although his fear slowly abated when his father remained alive, he still couldn't help but worry when the man was still bedridden after two weeks.

Gray supposed that he _did_ improved when he could finally sit up on his own and remained awake for more than six hours. But to Gray, _it wasn't enough._

He was lucky to have the firm support of his guild, or he might have gone crazy with all the stress.

Silver didn't seemed the slightest bit concerned at all and it irritated him to no end. He has a sneaking suspicion that the man knew something but just couldn't be bothered to tell him.

He might be very young when Silver died, but he still has faint memories of his father's easy-going and cheerfully optimistic temperament. If anything, he was relieved that the man's personality doesn't seem to have changed much.

By all rights, the two were practically strangers.

Gray was six when he lost his parents. Aside from his father's bright disposition, he barely has any memories about them, especially his mother. Just a vague, hazy memory of a sweet, floral fragrance of a perfume, the aroma of homemade pancakes drifting throughout the house in the mornings, and the carefree laughter of his father echoing in his empty heart years after their deaths.

But strangely enough, it was like Silver has never left.

_Never died_, he was reminded harshly whenever he saw the older man's pale, wan complexion and the long, slender scar marring his face.

It wasn't fair. Out of all the people in the world, why must it be Gray's loved ones that had to suffer so much?

He was selfish and terrible for thinking that, but Gray loathed the thought of his friends and family suffering and getting hurt even worse.

He has always fought and trained so hard to be better, to be _stronger _– but how was it that his father has been suffering for the past twenty years and _he never knew?_

It was irrational of him to think that way. He couldn't have known, of course. But Gray has always been a martyr. He _needed_ someone to blame for his shortcomings and of course the easiest target to direct his loathing and anger had been himself.

His father, he thought in morbid amusement, was similar to him in that aspect.

That's why, he knew, that Silver would leave the moment the man could finally stand and move about.

His first reaction was to protest vehemently. Like hell he would let Silver leave him a second time. Literally the entire damn world was currently out for his father's blood.

Still weakened from his loss of powers and miraculous revival, Silver would be no match if any of the _kyukimon_ or pissed demon minions come after him. A thousand reasons had flashed through his head as he desperately sought for one to convince the man to stay.

Fairy Tail could protect him and he could stay in Gray's house until they finished dealing with Tartarus but then –

But then he noticed the man's trembling hands and the shuttered look in his eyes and immediately felt guilty of even thinking of trapping his father _anywhere_ when the latter had been shackled to life for years, made an unwilling slave to a demon.

Silver needed a chance to breathe on his own, to be able to move about with the full knowledge that he was no longer a slave to anyone.

So really, there was only one way Gray could answer to Silver's proclamation. The solution came to him instantly and it was as easy as breathing when he looked his father in the eye and said resolutely, "I'm coming with you."

He saw in Erza's eyes grim understanding and a look of resignation and acceptance on Lucy's face.

Natsu, on the other hand, demanded for Silver to stay, unknowingly echoing his own unspoken thoughts out loud.

"No," Silver said calmly, eyeing the two boys. "To both of you."

He saw the fire in Natsu's eyes, and interrupted before the boy could throw a tantrum. "I am a criminal, Natsu. If anyone ever finds out that you're harbouring a fugitive in your guild, _everyone _here will be in trouble."

"But it wasn't your fault! You were controlled! And if we can just _explain_–" To say Silver was touched by Natsu's anger and indignation was an understatement. He was grateful, really. But that was why he cannot stay in Fairy Tail a moment longer.

"That isn't an excuse." He said gently. Natsu simmered in discontent, but fell silent in order to listen to him. "I've killed councilmen and I've done it of my own free will. Keith might have resurrected me, but everything I've ever done was _my_ doing. If the Magic Council finds out that Fairy Tail is hiding me, they will never forgive all of you."

Natsu opened his mouth, as if to protest, his eyes wide and desperate as he glanced at Gray. Then he deflated, closing his mouth.

"As for you, it's the same reason, Gray," Silver continued, turning his gaze to his son. "You're not coming with me. There are eyes and ears everywhere. People will eventually find out about the relationship between the both of us, and if they realized that you're with _me_, the Council will brand you as a criminal and accomplice and you'll implicate the guild."

_But I cannot let you leave me again! _Gray's mind screamed hysterically even if he agreed with that reasoning. He knew what his father was doing though. He was trying to manipulate him using his guild's safety.

His guild and friends... or his father?

_Why does he have to choose at all? _Why couldn't he protect _both _at the same time?

"Shit," he cursed, closing his eyes tightly. "Shit – dad, I–"

He felt a hand pressed against his cheek, a presence warm and solid in front of him. His eyes flew open and for the second time –

Gray gripped onto the back of his father's clothes, holding him close as he gasped into the man's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Gray," Silver whispered. He shook his head frantically in response, a lump in his throat as he struggled to stop the man from apologizing. It wasn't Silver's fault. It was_ his_.

It was _his_ inability to protect his own father. It was _his_ fault for not being strong enough to let him go.

"I – I have to fix this, Gray." Silver said quietly into the curve of his ear. "Back then, it was just vengeance. Now – Now, I have something to protect." _You. _"I have to finish this. I have to find myself. Right now, I cannot be your father." He backed away slightly to look at Gray. "So, can you wait for a little while more? J – Just until I know who I am again. Just until I remember."

"Yes – Yes." Gray choked, clutching onto his arm so tightly that he could see his skin turning red.

He smiled slightly as he squeezed Gray's arm. "I'm going to come back to you. I'm not going to die, not while I have someone to live for."

_You. Everything has always been for you, Gray. _

"Wait for me." He said softly. _Gray. Mika's son. My so–_

_No, not yet. _He does not deserved Gray, not when his hands were still bloody, not when his heart was shattered and broken with splinters, not when his soul was dirty.

He does not deserve Gray until he found absolution.


End file.
